Talking About Intersex with Friends

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When you learn that you have an intersex variation it can be very difficult to find support. Many people don’t know about intersex variations, or how to have a supportive conversation about them. But when you find yourself dealing with doctors, problems at school, or unsupportive friends or family, it is important to find people who can support you. Sometimes that means you need to be able to create expectations in a conversation so that you can feel safe talking about intersex with other people.

Big Feelings

When you first found out about having an intersex variation, you probably had a lot of questions. When you didn’t know things or understand things, you might have felt sad, hurt, or angry. These kinds of big feelings are totally normal, and may come back as you learn new things about your body. When these feelings are overwhelming, it’s okay to take some time out to understand them. You might like to go for a walk, write or draw about your feelings, listen to music, or do something else to help calm down. When you know you are having a big feeling you can always try saying something like “I don’t feel like I can talk about this right now, and I want some time alone please.”
You might also recognise when other people have big feelings, especially if you’re talking about something that’s difficult or personal. If someone is getting agitated or upset you can always check in with them. “Is this upsetting for you? Can we talk about it again later?”. Someone we care about might have big feelings if they’re worried about us, are having trouble understanding our issue, or maybe someone they know has had a similar experience. It’s not okay if they try to hurt you over a big feeling, but it’s okay for them to have big feelings as well.
Big feelings are supposed to come and go, but sometimes they don’t go away. When we feel sad or angry all the time we find it harder to look after ourselves. You might not eat as much as normal, you might start doing badly at school, you might have troubles sleeping, sometimes you might find that you no longer have fun doing the things you like to do, or you might fight more often with your family or friends. When we start hurting ourselves or other people, big feelings have become a big problem. You should talk to an adult you trust about getting some help. There are also some services that can help you that we have listed at the end of this resource.

Setting Boundaries

People sometimes say or do things that upset us. It can be by accident, or it can be deliberate. A boundary is a way of understanding what upsets us and how others treat us when they know what upsets us. Let’s say you have a nickname you really don’t like, your boundary might be that you prefer people to call you by your name.
Having a boundary lets you tell other people how you feel. “I don’t like being called that, please call me by my name”. Once you tell someone what your boundary is, they need to respect that boundary. If they keep calling you by that nickname, you might choose to avoid them, or tell an adult you trust that the person is upsetting you. A boundary is not a way of bossing people around or telling them what to do, but when you tell someone what upsets you, it is fair to expect them to stop.
A boundary doesn’t just have to be about your name. A boundary can be about topics that you find upsetting, words that you find hurtful, or even being touched or treated in a particular way. A boundary can also change based on who the other person is, when something happens, or where something happens. You might be comfortable with hugs from your family but you might not be comfortable with hugs at school. You might not like watching scary movies unless someone warns you first. You might be comfortable talking about certain things in private with your friends, but not in front of the classroom.
When you have an intersex variation, having boundaries is important. Sometimes people say things that upset us. Sometimes people want to look at our bodies. Sometimes when we tell people something in secret, they can tell other people. Before you talk about having an intersex variation to someone else you might want to think about the words that you want them to use, where you feel comfortable talking about it, how much you want to tell that person, and whether or not they can tell others.
You can practice saying things like this to help you keep your boundaries.

“I don’t like that word, I prefer this word.”
“That’s too personal, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m not ready to tell other people about this, please don’t tell other people.”
“I don’t like that, please stop.”
“I don’t want to do that.”

When people ignore our boundaries they can hurt us a lot. Often it can be a type of bullying or harassment. When we tell people very personal things we can open ourselves to being hurt very badly. If someone starts deliberately trying to upset you over having an intersex variation, you may wish to talk to an adult you trust to help fix the situation. Just remember there is nothing wrong with having an intersex variation and no one should ever make you feel like it’s a bad thing to be intersex.

Setting Expectations

Because many people don’t know what intersex means, they might not know how to talk to you about having an intersex variation or how to help you. It can be really frustrating when this happens, so it is important to talk about what you need from the person that you trust. Sometimes we just need to be able to talk about a big feeling, or have someone who can understand us. Maybe you need some help with a particular situation or some other kind of support.
When you’re talking about expectations, try saying something like:

“I don’t know how to feel about this and
I just need someone who can listen to me.”
“I need someone in my corner who understands what I’m going through,
please ask questions if there’s something you don’t understand.”
“I feel upset right now and I need a hug.”
“I’m hoping that you can help me deal with a difficult situation,
I’m looking for some advice.”
“I’m really struggling right now and
I need someone who can support me.”

Having people who can support you can be really important when you’re intersex. People can help us understand and fix problems that we can’t do by ourselves. It’s okay to want help from other people, it’s okay to talk about having an intersex variation. But it’s important that we can stay safe while doing so. For more information about talking about intersex, look at our “

Finding Support and Connecting with Others

Intersex Support Organisations

InterLink psychosocial support service – https://ilink.net.au
InterAction for Health and Human Rights (formerly IHRA Intersex Human Rights Australia) – https://interaction.org.au/
IPSA Intersex Peer Support Australia (formerly AISSGA) – https://isupport.org.au/

Support with Bullying and Harassment

Take action early and take responsibility for your own health and wellbeing. Knowing what to do if you are being bullied is important. Make sure you are informed and keep a diary of the bullying behaviour. Get support from someone you trust. This person may be a supervisor or manager, teacher, GP, parent, health and safety representative or a local police officer. Report to police all bullying that includes serious threats to your safety or life. Anyone who needs crisis support can call Kids helpline (24 hours a day) on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 14, visit the website https://kidshelpline.com.au/ or contact local police.

Mental Health Services

Kids helpline – 1800 55 1800 – https://kidshelpline.com.au/ – 24/7 Phone Counselling for people aged 5-25 Lifeline – 13 11 14 – https://www.lifeline.org.au/ – 24/7 Crisis support and suicide prevention Headspace – https://headspace.org.au/ – Mental health support for 12-25 year olds

Talking About Intersex with Friends