Sex, Sexuality and Your Body
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Sex, Sexuality and Your Body
This fact sheet is intended for people with intersex variations/variations of sex characteristics and their family members.
A Note to Parents
This resource is intended to cover a number of topics around relationships and sexuality. There are several ways you may like to use this guide. Firstly, it is written in a way that is intended to be thorough and accessible. It may be useful for a young person to understand this resource in their own time and come to you with further questions when they feel comfortable. If you and your child are more comfortable talking about these topics, this resource can help serve as a guide to ensure that the conversation you have is complete and thorough. While it is important to have this conversation at an appropriate age, this resource is intended to pre-empt some of the possible complexities of relationships for people with intersex variations. Ideally, these are topics that can be covered via health education at school, or when they start to explore their sexual identity or take an interest in dating.
It is important to understand that no one deserves to feel rushed or pressured into relationships before they are ready. Understanding these topics should not create an expectation for a young person to force themselves into a relationship they don’t want or aren’t ready for. It is important to prioritise individual happiness, and support your child in who they want to be, without focusing on what sort of life you want or expect them to have.
Introduction
Sex and sexuality can be really tricky topics for a lot of people with intersex variations. Because of the ways our bodies can be different, there can be challenging expectations to navigate in our relationships. A lot of the information that we get at school isn’t typically directed at people with diverse bodies either, which can cause problems to pop up unexpectedly. These sorts of problems aren’t just confined to people with intersex variations: all kinds of people have different kinds of bodies, different expectations, different preferences, and navigating them is part of any relationship.
It is important to remember that sex is about pleasure. It’s okay to find some things that work for you and other things that don’t. It’s okay to like sex and it’s okay to not like it. It might be something you enjoy by yourself or enjoy with a partner. As long as everyone involved is actively consenting to what’s happening and enjoying the experience, sex doesn’t really need to be more complicated than that.
While this resource is not a guide on how to have sex, we’re going to take a look at some of the things that might come up in a relationship and how to navigate sex and sexuality with a bit more safety and confidence.
Understanding Your Body First
One of the most valuable things you can do for yourself is take the time to understand how your body feels pleasure. Don’t focus on what you think your body should be able to do or worry about what it can’t do. Instead try to focus on what you enjoy, how you like being touched, and what you like about your body. Bear in mind nothing should feel forced or painful. People with intersex variations have bodies that can experience pleasure, are lovable and are deserving of love.
If you are interested in pursuing sexual relationships, or exploring sexual pleasure, it is important to remember that there are many different ways to have sex, even if there are pervasive social pressures that centre the ability, need, or desire, to have heterosexual penetrative sex. This is only one of many sexual behaviours, and may not be relevant, important, or desirable for you. You should feel comfortable and respected when expressing what is right for you to your loved ones.
If you have a doctor that you trust, it might be worth having a conversation with them first about any concerns that you have, or if you would like more information about your anatomy. This is important in understanding what sorts of things you might need to consider to be safe in a sexual relationship. This is when you could bring up things that hurt unexpectedly or didn’t happen the way you expected them to. If it’s just something your body handles differently, there may be options your doctor could suggest to help. While dilation or surgery may be a great option for some people to have the type of sex they want, it is important to note that surgeries cause irreversible changes. Having good support and information before any intervention can save tears down the line. It’s important when considering these kinds of options with your doctor, that you understand all aspects of how it might impact you, and that you’re making the choice freely for yourself. You should never feel forced to change your body because your doctor, family or partner thinks you should.
Having a good knowledge of your own body, what it can do and what you want to do with it, is central when considering what might enrich your life.
Disclosure
It’s up to you to decide when and how to talk about intersex in your relationships. There’s no correct time to approach the topic and people can have a whole range of responses to it. The most important thing is that you trust someone and feel safe to disclose to them. Being upfront can help mitigate surprise or disappointment later on in a relationship. Alternatively, you shouldn’t feel pressured to talk about anything until it becomes relevant in your relationship. Whatever approach feels most right to you, remember that you always have the right to be treated with dignity and respect. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilt or shame about your body or your decisions regarding disclosure. A partner who values you as a person should understand you on your own terms.
We have a resource about talking to your peers about being intersex that may give you some ideas on what language to use and how to answer difficult questions. It’s important that anyone you choose to disclose to respects your choice of language, as well as your right to privacy about the information you share with them. It’s important to set clear expectations around privacy, boundaries around what you’re comfortable talking about and what you’re not, and what language you feel is respectful towards your experiences.
It’s also important to consider how much you’re willing to disclose. Especially if someone hasn’t encountered information about people with intersex variations before, it’s natural to have a lot of questions. You should only answer questions that you feel comfortable with, and remember that it’s not up to you to have all the information to hand. “I don’t know” or “I’m not comfortable talking about that” are perfectly reasonable ways to end a conversation.
Consent
Consent is when both you and your partner have an active and mutual agreement about sex and intimacy. This takes the form of communicating before and during intimate situations to ensure that you are both comfortable and happy with what’s happening. Remember that you or your partner can change your mind at any point, which includes during sex.
Regardless of if you are intersex or not, that means if something starts to hurt or feel uncomfortable, you can withdraw consent. If you’re just not as into it as you thought you would be, you can withdraw consent. If you get a sense that someone is just using you as a curiosity, you can withdraw consent. There is no situation where it is okay to be forced to do something that you did not agree to.
Intersex and Sexuality
A lot of labels that get thrown around describing sexuality don’t often account for intersex experiences. Even concepts like ‘LGBTI’ often don’t account for intersex experiences. People who describe themselves with particular terms or labels may have specific assumptions about how these words apply to people with intersex variations and their bodies. That’s not their decision to make- it is yours. People with intersex variations have a range of different identities and how your identity makes you feel about your sexuality is also your choice.
There are many different resources available that talk about sexuality. Going over the basics, if you are attracted to someone of a different sex you might choose to describe yourself as heterosexual or straight. If you are female and are primarily attracted to other women you might choose to describe yourself as gay, homosexual, or lesbian. If you are male and primarily attracted to men you might choose to describe yourself as homosexual, or gay. If you are attracted to more than one sex or gender you might describe yourself as bisexual or queer. If you are attracted to people regardless of gender, you might identify as pansexual. These possibilities exist independently of your sex characteristics, and your body does not have to be changed for these feelings to be true. It’s also okay to feel one way about your sexuality and then meet someone who changes or challenges your perspective.
It’s also crucial to understand intersex does not exist in its own category when understanding sexuality, and that your sex characteristics do not undermine your right to identify as male, female, or non-binary. Sometimes people might use particular sex characteristics to include or exclude people from particular identity labels. An example of this might be if they suggest someone with XY chromosomes can’t be a lesbian, or that all people with intersex variations are bisexual unless they are attracted to other people with intersex variations. Remember that terms about sexuality reflect how you feel about yourself and who you are attracted to. It is not okay for other people to put you into a category you are uncomfortable with- especially if you feel pressured into relationships you wouldn’t otherwise agree to. Sexuality is always a personal choice and you should never feel pressured by someone else’s prejudice to identify a particular way.
Split Model of Attraction
A new model of attraction is gaining a lot more recognition today. Sexuality may describe who you’re attracted to, but there’s increasingly more language and understanding around how you’re attracted to people.
Asexuality is a term that describes a lack of sexual attraction towards other people. People who are asexual may still desire platonic or romantic relationships, but may be disinterested in sex for any number of reasons. There may also be situations where someone experiences sexual attraction under specific conditions, this is often referred to as demisexual. Meanwhile greysexual is a word that describes very occasionally experiencing intense sexual attraction.
Aromantic is a term that describes a lack of romantic attraction towards other people. People who are aromantic may still desire physical relationships, but are less interested in building romantic connections with other people. Just as with asexuality, demiromantic describes romantic attraction under specific conditions, and greyromantic is experiencing intense bursts of romantic attraction very occasionally.
Language like this might help you to understand boundaries in your relationship and describe them to others. It’s important that when you express these sort of feelings towards someone that they respect your boundaries and do not pressure you into relationships you’re uncomfortable with. And it’s still also okay to feel one way about how you’re attracted towards other people and then meet someone that changes or challenges your perspective.
Safer Sex
You may have been told at some point that you can’t have children. You may be on contraceptives to help replace hormones that your body doesn’t produce. For some people that may justify engaging in riskier sex. While the chance of pregnancy may be reduced or absent, there are still reasons to use barrier protection, and take care of your sexual health.
Barrier protection is pretty much exactly as it sounds, it’s something that protects you against Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and pregnancy with a physical barrier. Condoms are one example of barrier protection, but dental dams help provide options for other kinds of sex. You should always consider using barrier protection with anyone you don’t know the sexual history of, especially if you’re just starting out in a relationship or enjoying sex with strangers on a regular basis.
It’s important to understand that barrier protection doesn’t provide any kind of guaranteed safety, so it is suggested that you consider sexual health screening on a semi-regular basis. This can help offer significant peace of mind if you’re concerned about engaging in potentially risky sex. There are many free clinics you can choose to access and you have the right to be treated with respect at all times. Health service providers will vary with regards to their understanding of the needs of people with intersex variations, so it may be worth researching or asking questions prior to visiting to ensure you feel comfortable. Consider reading about your rights in a medical practice for more information.
Conclusion
Being intersex means you have a body which is normal and natural, but not typical. Understanding your body and being able to communicate your needs and desires in relationships will assist you in having positive experiences with sex and/or intimacy. Knowing your body is different means that you may choose to seek additional support to assist with sex. Your sexuality is yours to explore and define for yourself. You can identify however you feel regardless of being intersex. Most importantly, remember your body is yours- so explore, be safe and if/when you are ready, enjoy your sex and sexuality.
Finding Support
Connecting with Others
Intersex Support Organisations
interLink – www.ilink.net.au
InterAction for Health and Human Rights – https://interaction.org.au – Information and Advocacy
Intersex Peer Support Australia – https://isupport.org.au/ – Peer support
Support with Bullying and Harassment
Take action early and take responsibility for your own health and wellbeing. Knowing what to do if you are being bullied is important. Make sure you are informed and keep a diary of the bullying behaviour.
Get support from someone you trust. This person may be a supervisor or manager, teacher, GP, parent, health and safety representative or a local police officer.
Report to police all bullying that includes serious threats to your safety or life.
Anyone who needs crisis support can call Lifeline (24 hours a day) on 13 11 14, visit the Lifeline website or contact local police.
Mental Health Services
Kids helpline – 1800 55 1800 – https://kidshelpline.com.au/ – 24/7 Phone Counselling for people aged 5-25
Lifeline – 13 11 14 – https://www.lifeline.org.au/ – 24/7 Crisis support and suicide prevention
Headspace – https://headspace.org.au/ – Mental health support for 12-25 year olds
QLife– 1800 184 527 3:00pm-12am https://qlife.org.au/ Counselling and referral service for LGBTIQ+ people
- +61 7 3017 1724
- info@ilink.net.au
- PO Box 1372 Eagle Farm QLD 4009
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InterLink acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the lands on which we work and pay our respects to Elders past, present, and emerging. We recognise that soverignty was never ceded and honour the continuation of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander connection to land, waters, and culture. We celebrate the rich diversity within our communities, extending our respect to all First Nations peoples.