Parent's Guide to Talking About Boundaries
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Parent's Guide to Talking About Boundaries
Why it is important to talk with your child about boundaries
Raising a child with an intersex variation can be a unique journey filled with opportunities to support your child’s development in meaningful ways. Helping your child in setting healthy boundaries is crucial for your child’s safety, health, and happiness. Boundaries involve our need for protection, space, and the right to understand our own feelings, thoughts and choices. One’s boundaries can be helpful in developing a sense of ‘bodily autonomy’ or the right to make decisions about your own body, life, and future, without coercion.
Intersex variations are a way to describe natural differences in sex characteristics, which may include chromosomes, hormones, or reproductive anatomy. These variations can be identified at birth, during childhood, adolescence, or even adulthood. If your child has an IVSC, it’s important to educate yourself and others in your child’s life about intersex variations to create a supportive environment for your child.
A child with an innate variation of sex characteristics may have their boundaries challenged in some environments due to societal norms or expectations, curiosity around difference, or sometimes through bullying. Understanding the potential challenges that can occur ahead of time give your child the opportunity to foster healthy boundaries.
Why Setting Boundaries is Important
- Identity Formation: Boundaries support the development of a strong personal identity and self-confidence. Children who understand their variation and can confidently assert their boundaries and communicate their needs early are less likely to experience boundary violations as adolescents or adults.
- Health: Ensuring your child feels safe and respected promotes both physical and mental well-being. Giving your child a sense of control over health decisions may also help them to feel empowered in other areas of their life.
- Happiness: Boundaries help your child develop a strong sense of self-worth and autonomy. Giving your child opportunities to share their feelings and access psychosocial support gives them a structure for secure boundaries.
- Effective Communication: Boundaries encourage open communication as your child learns how to navigate new or challenging situations. This helps children develop the language to express their needs and feelings clearly with parents or other trusted adults. Helping a child understand that their voice counts and checking on their preferences in medical settings empowers effective communication of boundaries too.
- Social Connection: Respecting boundaries fosters positive social interactions and helps children build healthy relationships with family members, peers, and other people in their lives. This gives children an understanding of the power of their choices in creating personal boundaries around privacy and disclosure when needed.
- Safety: While you can’t prevent your child from every injury, helping your child set boundaries may help protect your child from being exposed to physical and emotional harm. Bodily autonomy is important to protect against actions that feel uncomfortable.
Tips for Setting Boundaries
Communicate Openly
Encourage your child to express their feelings and concerns by listening actively and validating their emotions. Avoid the urge to correct or preempt your child, or to go into ‘fix-it’ mode. Learn when your child is expressing concern or anxiety through their actions and help them put words to those feelings. This helps build trust and fosters a supportive relationship.
· Example: If your child feels uncomfortable about a medical examination, encourage them to talk about their feelings and reassure them that it’s okay to ask questions and set limits.
Create boundaries together
Establish boundaries together- this way you can gently guide your child whilst also giving them a sense of bodily autonomy and ownership over their choices. These boundaries may be renegotiated as needed and as your child grows and develops.
· Example: Discussing boundaries around bodies and circumstances and/or people is important for all children, but especially those with an innate variation of sex characteristics. Discussing boundaries for disclosure and support is also important. Being on the same page means that as a parent you can advocate for your child and also respect their boundaries.
Educate and Advocate
Learn about intersex variations, especially your child’s, and educate family members, friends, and educators (with your child’s consent). Advocate for your child’s rights, especially in medical settings.
· Example: If your child agrees, you could provide confidential information to your child’s school to ensure they understand and respect your child’s needs and boundaries, and can encourage peers and teachers to do so too.
Empower Your Child
Teach your child to recognise and assert their boundaries from a young age with smaller interactions. Practice phrases like, “Please stop,” “I don’t like that,” and “It’s my turn now”. Empowering your child helps them develop confidence and resilience. If they are challenged in more serious ways in the future, they will have gained the skill to be able to speak up if they feel uncomfortable or their bodily autonomy is threatened.
· Example: Role-play different scenarios with your child to practice setting boundaries in a safe and supportive environment.
Disclosure and Privacy
Teach your child about the importance of privacy and the right to disclose their intersex status on their own terms. Help them understand when and how to share personal information.
· Example: Have a conversation with your child about who they feel comfortable sharing their intersex status with and why. Reassure them that it’s okay to keep certain information private and the importance of trusting their intuition.
Model Healthy Boundaries
Demonstrate how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your own life. Your child will learn by observing your behaviour and understanding the importance of self-respect.
· Example: Show respect for your own boundaries by politely declining activities that make you uncomfortable and explaining your reasons to your child.
Seek Support
A support network for you, and your child, is an important aspect to setting, maintaining or redrawing boundaries. Having people available to practice talking about the important aspects of raising your child or their health needs is important to normalise seeking and receiving support. Having access to peer support (other young people who have intersex variations and their parents), friends, and family members who know about your child’s variation will reduce your sense of being alone and make it easier to share what you or your child are going through.
Often we do not know we need to set a boundary until we feel overextended or exposed. Having professional psychosocial support to better understand your own limits is important. Connect with support groups and organisations specialising in intersex issues. They can provide valuable resources, guidance, and a sense of community for both you and your child.
· Example: Attend an Intersex Peer Support Australia (IPSA) support group meeting with your child to meet other families and learn from their experiences. Reach out to the IPSA Parent’s Representative for support and guidance. Participate in the Parents InterLink group and support your child in participating in the InterLink Children’s group.
Respecting Your Child's Autonomy
As your child grows, it’s essential to respect their autonomy and involve them in decisions about their body and health. Here are some key points to consider:
1. Delay Non-Essential Medical Interventions
Avoid surgeries or treatments that are not medically necessary. Seek second opinions and join peer support groups in order to make informed decisions. Give your child the opportunity to make informed decisions about their own body when they are ready.
· Example: Consult with medical professionals to understand the risks and benefits of any proposed interventions and discuss them with your child as they mature.
2. Promote Self-Acceptance
Encourage your child to embrace their unique identity and celebrate their individuality. Support their journey towards self-acceptance and self-love. Encourage expression in any form.
· Example: Celebrate milestones and achievements with your child, highlighting their strengths and individuality. Celebrate expression in any form- perhaps your child would like to contribute to a YOUth&I publication?
By assisting your child in setting healthy boundaries and by respecting your child’s autonomy, you can help them grow into confident, resilient, and happy individuals. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey—reach out for support and stay informed to provide the best possible care for your child.
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