Consent and Privacy in Peer Relationships
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About This Fact Sheet
Body Differences and Comparisons
Everyone’s body is unique! We all have special traits like fingerprints, eye colours, foot size, the shape of our nose, and the sound of our voice. Your body also might be different from your friends because of how your hormones, chromosomes, or reproductive organs have developed. Some differences are easy to see, while others are hidden. Most people’s bodies change during puberty, but these changes can happen differently for everyone.
Although it might not always be easy, it’s important to remember that being different is totally okay. It makes us who we are!
Sharing Information About Your Body
Talking to friends about your body can be both exciting and scary. Here are some pros and cons about disclosing (sharing personal details with trusted friends):
- Pros: Sharing can help you feel understood and accepted. It can make you feel less alone and more supported when things get tough or when you need to make important decisions. It can also make your experiences feel valid and normal.
- Cons: Once you share something, you can’t take it back. Think carefully about who you trust. Sharing too much might make you feel vulnerable, and not everyone might understand your experiences.
Privacy vs. Secrecy
The key difference between keeping a secret and keeping things private is about having a choice about when or who you want to share something with.
With keeping a secret, your choice to share is limited by your (or someone else’s) worries that something bad will happen, such as getting in trouble, being bullied or not being accepted by others. Secrets can create more worry the longer they are kept. Instead, privacy is about protecting yourself and choosing what you share, with whom, and only sharing when you want to. It’s okay to keep some things private. You don’t have to share everything about your body or your experiences. Think about what feels right for you.
It is important to balance being open and keeping some things private:
- Being too open: Sharing everything can feel good at the time but can sometimes make you feel exposed and vulnerable afterwards. Depending on how much you trust each friend, it’s okay to keep some things to yourself and tell different friends different things.
- Safe people, safe spaces: Some people are safe to talk to openly because they are trusted people in your life. Sometimes these people are parents or family members. Some people are safe to talk to openly because they are also professionals who have made a commitment to keeping things confidential. Examples of these people might include counsellors, psychologists or social workers. Despite safe people and spaces, some people might still not truly understand what you’ve shared with them and say things that don’t make you feel good. Peer support is a space where you can connect with people who often get it instantly because they might have experienced similar things in life to you..
Getting support: If you are finding it hard to talk about being different because your worries have gotten too big, or you are being bullied or harmed, reach out to a counselor who can help. With support you can work through these big feelings and tough times and come out on the other side happy and content.
Understanding Consent
1. Sharing a Snack
Given: Your friend asks if they could share your snack, and you say yes.
Not Given: Your friend asks if they could share your snack, but you say no. They respect your choice and don’t insist.
Taken Away: You initially agree to share a snack with your friend, but later you change your mind and say you don’t want to anymore. Your friend stops eating the snack.
2. Hugging a Friend
Given: A friend asks if you’d like a hug, and you agree.
Not Given: Your friend asks if they can hug you, but you decline. They respect your answer and don’t hug you.
Taken Away: You agree to a hug, but halfway through, you feel uncomfortable and ask your friend to stop. They immediately stop hugging you.
3. Playing a Game
Given: Your friend wants to play a game with you, and you say yes.
Not Given: Your friend asks you to play a game, but you say you’re not interested. They respect your choice and don’t push you to play.
Taken Away: You agree to play the game, but after a few minutes, you decide you don’t want to play anymore. Your friend stops the game and finds something else to do.
4. Borrowing an item
Given: Your brother asks if they can borrow your tablet, and you say yes.
Not Given: Your brother asks to borrow your tablet, but you say no. They respect your decision and don’t take the tablet.
Taken Away: You initially let your brother borrow the tablet, but later you ask for it back. Your brother returns the tablet without hesitation.
5. Telling a Secret
Given: You know that your mum is pregnant and you tell a friend. They agree to keep it a secret.
Not Given: You know that your mum is pregnant, but you decide not to share it with anyone. You keep the secret to protect your family’s privacy.
Taken Away: You tell a friend that your mum is pregnant, but later you ask them not to tell anyone else. However, since they already know, they can’t “un-know” the information. This is why it’s important to think carefully before sharing secrets.
Answering Questions
People might ask you questions about your body. It’s okay to answer if you feel comfortable, but it’s also okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” if you’re not ready or don’t want to share.
It can be handy to have a rehearsed response that you have practiced with trusted friends or family. This will prevent you from trying to find the right words and over explaining yourself when caught off guard. What is private to you, is no one else’s business.
Who to Tell and When
Think about who you trust and when it’s the right time to share personal information. It’s okay to take your time. You don’t have to rush into sharing anything until you’re ready. You might need extra time to think about things or learn more about your body before sharing information and that’s ok. If you have concerns about your body or if you don’t understand something, reachout to someone you feel safe with, like a parent, your doctor or maybe your therapist. It’s good to talk about it.Sometimes you might need more time to be sure that the person you want to share with is trustworthy- and that’s ok too.
Romantic Interests and Consent
When you have romantic feelings, you might feel like sharing more about your body with someone you trust. It’s important to remember that you are in control of what you share. You can decide how much or how little to share based on what feels comfortable for you.
Consent is crucial in any relationship, especially romantic ones. Here are some examples to help you understand how consent works in romantic settings:
- Holding Hands: You ask your crush if they want to hold hands, and they say yes. If they say no, you respect their decision.
- Kissing: You ask if it’s okay to kiss, and they agree. If they change their mind and ask you to stop, you stop immediately.
- Sharing Personal Information: You decide when to share something personal about your body with your romantic interest. If they ask you something you’re not comfortable answering, it’s okay to say you don’t want to talk about it. Sharing things about your body becomes easier as you get to know yourself and appreciate your body better. Being comfortable in your body with others starts with being comfortable in your body with yourself.
What to do When Someone Does Not Respect Your Consent or Privacy
- If you feel safe and comfortable to do so, you should talk with them and explain that it was not okay to share your personal information and that you found this hurtful and rude. If this was done on purpose and they knew you did not want your information shared you could also tell them that it was unkind, mean and inappropriate. If you can, it is important to stand up for yourself and let people know when they have done something wrong
- Get support. It can be very upsetting and difficult when someone breaks your trust or does nor respect your consent or privacy. You will probably have a lot of big feelings if something like this happens and talking with your trusted adults is an important part of dealing with those feelings.
If something happened at school, telling a trusted teacher can let them know what has happened and why you may be having a hard time. They can also speak with the other person or people involved to make sure your private information is not shared further and that the behaviour is addressed appropriately.
Speaking to your family or trusted friends can also be a good way to explore your feelings, be comforted and reassured. Your trusted adults like parents or legal guardians can also make sure you have access to any other support and help you might need.
You may want to speaking to other trusted adults such as a peer support worker, counselor or therapist if you are feeling very worried or upset.
Understanding and Practicing Consent
Navigating consent and privacy in peer relationships is an important skill that empowers you to take control of your personal information and feel comfortable in your interactions.
Remember, it’s okay to take your time deciding what to share and with whom. Your body is unique, and you have the right to decide what feels right for you. Building trust with safe people and understanding the balance between privacy and openness can lead to healthier, more supportive relationships.
Always trust your instincts, respect your own boundaries, and prioritise your wellbeing.
By understanding and practicing consent, you create a safe and respectful environment for yourself and those around you. Ultimately, the goal is to ensure that you feel valued, respected, and understood in all your relationships.
Honoring your own and others needs will be a lifelong skill to develop and practice. Remember you can start small, ask friends when you are trying out new boundaries, and share with family when you need them to respect your right to privacy.
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